"In my mind"

I am living to survive, fighting for my life, and always feel like why am I here? I have dreams and think what do they mean. My only escape from every day life. My only escape is "dreamland". It's sad when you conform yourself to something and believe that there is nothing else to make you "happy". Having any relationship is tough. I know that getting close to the Lord is very hard. I forget at times to pray and think , I feel bad for that and realize If I love him, I should do it naturally. I have two vices; "food and the internet". There has got to be more to life than this. I feel as if I am living in a box and I just can't get out of it. It's sad but true.Have you ever felt that feeling of "numbness to pain"? I am at that point , where I don't even cater to emotions, because I feel it is a form of "weakness". I continue to tell myself, if you fall victim to any one of these men out here, you are asking to get hurt or just completely drained of trying to make something work that won't. I believe that I won't feel pain anymore because I am so used to it. That is sad. It is only my feelings, but don't let what I feel cloud your judgement. I am just leting go of what is on my mind. I just want to know what it's like to have that "unconditional love". The only way to feel that is through the Lord. Here on earth, I long for that, but I shut it out because I find it hard to trust now at days. I guess it's no point in trying to figure it out, but to just let go of it and enjoy the single life. Until then, I will dream of what it could be, but focus on the the true love I have, and that's in Jesus. I don't know anyone else that would die for me. The Lord gave his life for me, and that's true love. In spite of my confusion in this blog, May you all be blessed and find joy in your every waking moment of the day that the Father creates, in Jesus name, Amen.*